Relationships have parts - systems thinking lessons from a long road trip
In 2023, we had a long trip coming up. It was going to be a 14-hour drive to watch some great college hockey with some good friends. I opened up a new browser tab and entered my start point and destination. Through the magic of Google Maps, in a few seconds there was a line between the two points.
Even with all the amazing capabilities of our computers and smartphones, I think digital maps will always feel a little like magic to me.
I plugged in the address of our hotel on the way, and zoomed in to see that part of the line.
I plugged in the address of our hotel on the way, and zoomed in to see that part of the line.
We were cutting through Canada to save hours of diving, and there was an international bridge we had to cross. I zoomed in again to see that part of the line.
I updated the map with the new points, and the lines in between them were updated.
Nice. Done. I had my points and the lines between them. I understood our route. Or did I..?
Nice. Done. I had my points and the lines between them. I understood our route. Or did I..?
The drive, and the realization
It was a long drive and my mind was wandering on one of the long straight stretches in Canada. We had about 90 minutes until we got to the hotel, but we needed a rest stop before then.
There's a neat little Google maps feature where you can “search along route”. I did that, and there was a rest stop on our route about 30 minutes ahead. Perfect.
And then it hit me.
When I was planning the route on my computer, I had seen Point A, Point B, a few other points, and a long line connecting them all. I thought I had built an accurate mental map of the route. I was wrong.
The path between where we were now and where we were headed wasn't just a line. That line had parts, and one of them was the rest stop that was now 29 minutes ahead.
My mind immediately started to spin.
I realized that between each pair of points was another line with parts. Between this intersection and that bridge. Between this street and the next. Between parking the car in the driveway and walking in the front door.
They included the physical, like the trees and signs. The historical, like what used to be there, and who had used that road before. The conceptual, like the speed limit, or seeing this stretch was called "wine country". The conversations we had, or our private unspoken thoughts while we sat quietly. How many times our hearts beat. All the other drivers we saw, like that car with the funny license plate, or the dog in the front seat.
The border crossing guards, the hotel, restaurants, displaced Ukraine families, music playlists, digitally spoken directions, rest areas we didn’t use, snacks, suitcases, phones, passports, memories, and even moments of boredom.
All those parts of that route line (and many many more!) were parts of the relationship between Point A and Point B from the perspective of our trip. That simple line was not just a line.
There's a neat little Google maps feature where you can “search along route”. I did that, and there was a rest stop on our route about 30 minutes ahead. Perfect.
And then it hit me.
When I was planning the route on my computer, I had seen Point A, Point B, a few other points, and a long line connecting them all. I thought I had built an accurate mental map of the route. I was wrong.
The path between where we were now and where we were headed wasn't just a line. That line had parts, and one of them was the rest stop that was now 29 minutes ahead.
My mind immediately started to spin.
- The line between the rest stop and the hotel would have parts.
- The line between here and the next mile would have parts.
- From the beginning of the bridge to the end of the bridge.
- Even the next one second at 60 mph would have parts.
I realized that between each pair of points was another line with parts. Between this intersection and that bridge. Between this street and the next. Between parking the car in the driveway and walking in the front door.
They included the physical, like the trees and signs. The historical, like what used to be there, and who had used that road before. The conceptual, like the speed limit, or seeing this stretch was called "wine country". The conversations we had, or our private unspoken thoughts while we sat quietly. How many times our hearts beat. All the other drivers we saw, like that car with the funny license plate, or the dog in the front seat.
The border crossing guards, the hotel, restaurants, displaced Ukraine families, music playlists, digitally spoken directions, rest areas we didn’t use, snacks, suitcases, phones, passports, memories, and even moments of boredom.
All those parts of that route line (and many many more!) were parts of the relationship between Point A and Point B from the perspective of our trip. That simple line was not just a line.
The big deal about relationship parts
Why was this realization such a big deal? Well, perhaps you’ve seen diagrams that look like this?
There's a bunch of blue circles, which we could call distinctions (D). Then there's lines connecting them, which we could call relationships (R).
We see them in Organizational charts. Networked note-taking apps. Detective case boards with strings. Systems Dynamics models. Social media network visualizations. All of them show things with lines connecting them.
We see them in Organizational charts. Networked note-taking apps. Detective case boards with strings. Systems Dynamics models. Social media network visualizations. All of them show things with lines connecting them.
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These diagrams are all intended to help us understand different systems. And yet what they are all missing are NAMES and PARTS of the relationships.
The lines look like they are helpful. They look organized, important, and they show these things are related. But they are only just the start. That's like saying all you need to know to get from Point A to Point B is a line, and what makes up the line doesn't matter. Clearly we can see that's not enough.
The lines look like they are helpful. They look organized, important, and they show these things are related. But they are only just the start. That's like saying all you need to know to get from Point A to Point B is a line, and what makes up the line doesn't matter. Clearly we can see that's not enough.
A better way - think about the parts of any relationship
Here is a high school freshman (Point A), their planned destination of graduation (Point B), and the line connecting those.
The line indicates the relationship (R) between them. But does that line tell you anything else? It only does if you make assumptions based on what you might already know about that process. Even that will tell you just a few things in a vague general way that might only apply to some students.
The plain line doesn’t tell you much.
Relationships connect things. They are really, really easy to map, because all you have to do is draw a line between two things. That can be helpful, but all it really says is that these two things are connected... somehow.
- It doesn't tell you if that student played sports, or was in the band, or both, or neither.
- It doesn't tell you if they were planning for college, or the military, or trade school, or backpacking Europe.
- It doesn’t reveal anything about friends they made, or classes they took just because they sounded interesting.
- It doesn't tell you about the struggles or successes. The hurdles or advantages. The effort or the coasting.
The plain line doesn’t tell you much.
Relationships connect things. They are really, really easy to map, because all you have to do is draw a line between two things. That can be helpful, but all it really says is that these two things are connected... somehow.
We can make the connection a little clearer by adding a label — by naming the relationship. We could name the relationship "four years", or "college prep", or "becoming adults". I could name the map route line between home and my destination as “Drive to New York”.
We could call these an RD because there is a relationship (R) that we have distinguished (D). We have said what it is. It's no longer just a plain line that could mean anything. That's better, but it still only tells us just a little more than the line by itself.
As we have seen, just like the road trip map route, that relationship line also has parts. “Zooming in” to see those parts is where the real understanding begins.
We could call these an RD because there is a relationship (R) that we have distinguished (D). We have said what it is. It's no longer just a plain line that could mean anything. That's better, but it still only tells us just a little more than the line by itself.
As we have seen, just like the road trip map route, that relationship line also has parts. “Zooming in” to see those parts is where the real understanding begins.
How to use this for any road you’re on
If you want to be a better thinker, any time you are somewhere and going somewhere else, remember that the relationship line between here and there has parts. That's called an RDS, because it's a relationship (R) that we have distinguished (D) and then added a system (S) of parts.
If you see an org chart, a map, or a diagram that has things with a line connecting them, remember those lines are hiding something. Don't let the lines fool you into thinking that's all that’s there, or that the line clearly explains anything. The line is just the tip of the iceberg. Like any relationship, there's a whole world inside of that line. You just have to “zoom in” and notice what more is there.
- What are the parts of the relationship line (RDS) between your current job and your retirement?
- What is the RDS between your current health and your next doctor's appointment?
- What is the RDS between the beginning and end of your next meeting?
- … between starting and finishing reading (or writing) a book?
- … between you and someone you would like to get to know better? (This is a great one to think about. We might say we wanted to "develop the relationship". Now we know what that actually means — developing the RDS, or the parts of the relationship!)
If you see an org chart, a map, or a diagram that has things with a line connecting them, remember those lines are hiding something. Don't let the lines fool you into thinking that's all that’s there, or that the line clearly explains anything. The line is just the tip of the iceberg. Like any relationship, there's a whole world inside of that line. You just have to “zoom in” and notice what more is there.
What is a road you're on, and what parts of that line can you see?
P.S. While I was writing this I noticed that RDS could be pronounced "roads". That might be a good way to remember that every time I see a relationship line that it's actually like the long road I was on. It’s the journey, not the destination, and the journey is made of RoaDS.
P.P.S. For more about RDS, check out these resources!
https://blog.cabreraresearch.org/synapses-hinges-embassies-and-supply-chains-the-power-of-rds-structural-predictions
P.P.S. For more about RDS, check out these resources!
https://blog.cabreraresearch.org/synapses-hinges-embassies-and-supply-chains-the-power-of-rds-structural-predictions